Congratulations, you found the secret website. Don’t pat yourself on the back just yet, because this site is about as useful as a waterproof sponge.

 

This is Cave Johnson, founder and CEO of Aperture Science, and I’d like to make it absolutely clear: I did not authorize this.

 

Some intern, or one of the lab boys with too much time and not enough brain cells, slapped this thing together and buried it here like a squirrel hiding a nut.

 

Well, newsflash: you dug it up. And unlike that nut, there’s nothing in here worth chewing on. No experiments, no combustible lemons, not even a coupon for shower curtains.

 

Just you, me, and sixteen lines of disappointment. Now, before you start thinking there’s some hidden puzzle or Easter egg, there isn’t. This isn’t a game.

 

This is a dead-end hallway in the mansion of science. Why? Because I said so. And because whoever made it clearly didn’t have the guts to tell me about it face to face.

 

Probably still hiding under a desk. So here’s the deal: you’ve wasted your time, I’ve wasted my voice, and Aperture Science has once again proven that we hire idiots.

 

But that’s the price of innovation. Sometimes you get the portal gun, sometimes you get this garbage. Either way, Cave Johnson, signing off, and remember: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.